New Orleans, LA – The P.T.G. Beauregard Monument, once slated for removal, will be left up indefinitely after a protester attached a traffic camera to it. In less than two days, the camera had already generated over nine thousand dollars in revenue for city hall.
“This camera is great for our city’s safety,” exclaimed Mayor Landrieau, “I want to reiterate that the money has absolutely nothing to do with our decision to leave the Beauregard monument up. This is all about keeping our motorists safe.”
New Orleans’ traffic camera contract is awarded to American Traffic Solutions, which is owned by a private equity firm (Platinum Equity). This outside contractor takes thirty percent of all fines generated from the cameras. Experts do not foresee any significant public outrage regarding this process. As one city official explained, “A private corporation manipulating a cash-strapped municipality to funnel money from working people to billionaires is as American as apple pie or being accidentally shot by a toddler.”
Ironically, the protester who stole the camera from a quiet street and placed it on the monument’s busy intersection was ticketed multiple times by said camera during his visit to the Crescent City. The Push Pole caught up with the man (a self-proclaimed white nationalist from Alabama) and asked how he felt about being ticketed so much, “It’s crazy. You have to pay fifty bucks just to contest the ticket, and you can’t win. I already owe more than six hundred dollars. I can’t afford that. Now they’re gonna boot my truck if they catch me parked anywhere in this hellhole. How can anyone get ahead in this city,” he pleaded before catching his breath and remarking, “And I saw right through Mitch. He uses the word ‘safety’ like I use the word ‘history,’ with those same taunting, arrogant undertones. I realized that if the monument was somehow generating some ‘safety’ for the city, he’d never be able to remove it.”