Baton Rouge, LA – With Louisiana in a budgetary crisis, lawmakers decided to sell off the state’s last remaining asset: the movie rights to Louisiana’s upcoming environmental disasters. In the next few years, the impending floods, oilfield explosions, and loss of life will be dramatized for monetary gain by Warner Bros. These films will propagandize the tragic deaths of everyday Americans while the criminal negligence that led to these catastrophes will be glossed over.
Warner Bros CEO Kevin Tsujihara remarked, “I can’t wait to recreate families drowning in their own subdivisions and men burning alive in petrochemical explosions. This is going to make a few rich people a lot richer. Lately, the movie industry has experienced a lull in Louisiana, but Hollywood South will rise again baby! We are really excited to exploit the impending disasters that are headed for Louisiana!”
John Bel Edwards was also optimistic about the Louisiana’s future after the sale:
The film rights were the last thing we could even sell. After years of privatization and political corruption, it’s pretty much all we were left with. I don’t see what choice we had. I think the movies that will be made about these tragic environmental horrors will be very well-received in Louisiana considering our worshiping of petro-capitalism. Let me tell you a secret about Louisiana, you can kill anyone in a hardhat down here and not face any real consequences. The fines are a drop in the bucket, and the people won’t ever rise up against a corporation. If a few of them have to die in the midst of deregulation, so be it. Price of doing business. As long as a man had a job while he burned to death, that’s something they can swallow. They’ll lionize his struggle, pray for his family, and be ready for the next one. I just hope they get George Clooney to play me giving some heartfelt speech.