Working Man Claims State Of Louisiana As A Dependent On Tax Return


Analysts at Louisiana’s Department Of Revenue are struggling to make sense of a tax return submitted by a local man. Vernon Toups, a roofer from Houma, decided to claim the State Of Louisiana as a dependent.

This comes at a time when Louisiana needs to come up with almost a billion dollars before July. In movie terms, that’s what it would take to make five Star Wars films. In food terms, that would buy about 30 lbs of boiled crawfish on Good Friday.

Analysts are expected to reject Mr. Toups’ tax return with the understanding that the budget will be balanced the same way it always has been: on the backs of working people.

Thanks to the tax laws put in place by the corporate-installed puppets that masquerade as our legislature, Louisiana has paid corporations 226 million more in tax money than it has taken in from them.

Note: If you own a corporation and actually paid more taxes than you received, fire your accountant. Now.

Luckily, most corporations allowed this extra money to trickle down to workers to help buoy the economy in rough times. Sike. Thousands of layoffs will continue so that their stocks won’t drop a quarter of a point. Coincidentally, Walmart is building three new stores in the area. I hope you look good in a blue vest.

Our legislature has no idea how this terrible crisis could have happened. They only decided to structure the entire budget around oil prices, which seemed like a pretty responsible thing to do. It’s a known fact that the oil industry is very stable.

Whose fault is all this? That’s right, poor people. After all, they are the most visible. We don’t exactly rub elbows with our legislature’s owners at Rouses while they struggle to find the EBT button. Plus, we are working longer hours for less money while the price of everything goes up. We are miserable, and the sight of a poor person smiling sends us into a rage.

But despite what you might think, food stamps and Medicaid are federally funded. The memes don’t tell you that part. At least that money finds its way back into the local economy.  Cutting those programs would actually make our deficit worse, yet we still think it’s a good idea because punishing poor people just feels so right, especially when we’re angry. Nothing will change our minds. We’ve been conditioned to kick downwards when squeezed. The rich will use the government to steal from the middle class and frame the poor, leaving a trail of breadcrumbs to the nearest housing project or trailer park.

Anyone with basic reading and math skills can learn these things. There is a reason why education is always the first thing to be put on the chopping block. Smart voters don’t disenfranchise themselves while empowering bureaucrats and their corporate interests. Angry ones who only get their information from memes, soundbites, and satirical websites do.

And to make things even more depressing, poor Louisianians did not elect the lawmakers who put us in this hole. We, the middle class, did; however, we refuse to confront ourselves. It’s easier to scroll the internet and let visions of welfare iPhones and food stamp lobsters dance around in our heads. These mythical creatures ease our guilt one meme at a time, allowing us to blame someone else for the condition of our state. We slowly become everything we profess to hate: victims, powerless complainers who proclaim moral superiority while refusing to take personal responsibility for our actions.

Mr. Toups’ representative sent him this email after hearing about his tax return:

Thank you for going to work every day. If I had to do that, I would jump off one of the many crumbling bridges we have. I also want to thank you for voting for me. I really appreciated that. And thanks for never checking up on me until you heard LSU football and your daughter’s Tops Scholarship might be cancelled. And lastly, I admire your inventive thinking when it comes to taxes and money. Would you be interested in joining the state’s finance committee as a consultant? It pays a lot more money and requires a LOT less work.

2 thoughts on “Working Man Claims State Of Louisiana As A Dependent On Tax Return

  1. Yeah! Louisiana needs almost a billion dollars before July? Okay, this is how you solve the problem. Louisiana goes into the pharming business and unfloods what they flooded when the opened the Morganza Spillway and opens up some other pharming operations and before you know it they’ve got so much cash they’ve got to start laundering money to keep the feds off their backs. The solution is simple! Call me for the details, I’ll explain it down to the tiniest detail. I still have one of those land-lines and I’m listed in the phone book. But that address isn’t my real address and this is still not my real name.


  2. Obamas taking our guns and freedoms. He hasn’t got a clue on how to run this government and Hillary isn’t going to be any better. I believe the end of this great nation is near. China will own us. And the Muslims will dictate our legal systems. Who cares until next football season, right. I’m packing up and head to Texas. Maybe we can succeed.


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