“I see why the oilfield is hurting. The stuff is coming out the tap now. Who needs me?”

“Is the water brown because the brain-eating amoebas got diarrhea? And if so, did they get it from drinking the water?”

“My life is just one long episode of Fear Factor!“

“That man has faith in his people, process, and product….He is an inspiration to us all…but let’s get a medic on standby just in case.”

“I love the new water. It’s so natural. It’s way more organic than the old water, probably cage-free too!”

“‘Come to America,’ they said. ‘The water is great,’ they said!”

“What’s the point of peeing in the ice machine now? My life is meaningless.”

“I always knew Houma was backwards, but I never thought I’d live to see the day we had colored water fountains again.”

“I know it’s safe to drink, but I’d much prefer this carbonated liquefied sugar that can dissolve battery corrosion instead.”

“The muddy water hasn’t gotten to me yet, and to be honest, I’m feeling left out. I hope it gets here soon. I could really use an excuse to make this about me.”

“My water is so brown that I’m having it investigated for funding terrorism!”