Washington, D.C. – In a bold move, the Environmental Protection Agency will now require all plastic bottles to be fashioned into the shapes of marine life. This aggressive new law is in response to scientists discovering that the world’s oceans are facing mass extinction.
Since there is absolutely nothing we can or will do about the world’s oceans turning into a corrosive, acidic goo, the EPA decided to make sure the few fish we have left don’t feel so lonely. The sea, already littered with billions of boring chunks of plastics that fish generally ignore (except to accidentally absorb into their bodies) is about to get a lot more interesting to these soon-to-be extinct creatures.
Since hundreds of millions of plastic bottles make their way into the ocean each year, this new law ensures that the lucky remaining fish will have all the toys they can ask for. Lawmakers feel that this is the least we can do for them since we destroyed their entire ecosystem.
Lobbyists for the bottling companies are already fighting the new law, challenging that the new regulations will cut into profits, forcing the companies’ stocks to drop a quarter of a percent unless they lay off hundreds of workers. Lawmakers, fearing political backlash, are thinking of scrapping the new law and paying billions of dollars in government contracts to companies that could genetically design fish that would enjoy the corrosive, plastic sludge that our oceans are turning in to.
The Push Pole interviewed Representative Lamar Smith who is the chairman of the Science and Technology Committee, and he remarked, “I think this idea of paying billions of our tax money to a private corporation to design something that’s totally useless is absolutely fantastic! It accomplishes so much. We get to protect a few hundred low paying jobs and a company’s stock price while using privatized industry to deal with a public relations crisis that we created. This is how things get done in America!”