Baton Rouge, LA – Officials have decided to still go along with plans to “execute the crap” out of Derrick Todd Lee, despite the fact that he died today due to an undisclosed medical condition. The medical examiner has remarked that it’s very possible Lee’s own internal organs couldn’t even stand him, so they just decided to quit working.
Officials will still honor Lee’s last wishes. Earl Broussard, spokesman for the Department of Corrections, stated, “For his last meal, he wanted to eat four pounds of candy corn while listening to Nickleback, proof alone that he was a terrible person on pretty much every level.”
As of 2 PM, prison authorities had already started stuffing thousands of the hated candies into every orifice on Lee’s body. As a gloved finger disappeared the last candy corn into the soulless monster, the crescendo of “How You Remind Me,” echoed through the cold prison walls. He was finally ready for execution.
Friday at midnight, officials will flip a breaker sending 2000 volts into Derrick Todd Lee’s corpse until he becomes a gelatinous blob of smoldering flesh and corn syrup. His remains will then be dumped into the nearest toilet and respectfully flushed into obscurity.