Friends and associates of Daniel Helms were shocked last weekend when it was discovered that so-called “hacktivists” had released the name of the Grand Dragon of the Louisiana chapter of the KKK, exposing his membership with Ashley Madison.
The unseemly discovery was made by Colin Ford, a close friend of Mr. Helms and his second in command.
“I heard some internet people had made a list of Klan members, so I Googled on some of my friends to see if they made the cut,” said Mr. Ford. “I put in something like, ‘hacker list Dan Helms’ and he come up for the Ashley Madison list. Somehow, everybody missed it the first time round.”
Ashley Madison is a dating site on which married people seek out illicit sexual encounters. The KKK identifies as a Christian organization and emphasizes the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman.
“I couldn’t believe it,” Ford stated. “He comes across as such a good, honest guy. Just this Sunday I spent the day over at Dan’s apartment, drinking beer and not watching football because of all the uppity [expletive]. Now it turns out he’s cheating on his wife.”
The KKK issued an official statement stating:
Daniel Helms has been an active Ku Klux Klan member for over 25 years, working his way up from Goblin to Furry and eventually becoming a Grand Dragon. In that time, he has been a consistent source of inspiration to the people of this community, except for blacks, orientals, Mexicans, papists, Jews, Muslims, gays, atheists, Democrats, union members, and high school graduates. Though not required to do so as part of his duties, Dan took it upon himself to hate most Europeans, the handicapped, and even single mothers. We at the KKK and Dan have mutually agreed that he step down as Grand Dragon as he enters a rehab program to deal with his sex addiction; however, his current struggles should not detract from a lifetime of contributions to racial and religious division and hatred.