Booked On The Bayou: Brain-Eating Amoeba Arrested In Terrebonne Parish.

Point Aux Chenes, LA — Authorities from DHH (Department of Health and Hospitals) recently discovered Naegleria Fowleri, a brain eating-amoeba in Point Aux Chenes.

His name was Dave, and he was peacefully living in a dead-end line at the end of Island Road. He, like most of the brave locals, refused to evacuate this inhospitable environment and had to be taken out by force. Dave is currently being held in a Baton Rouge lab without bail.

brain eating amoeba booked1

He did not originate from a water tower, storage tank, or water treatment plant; he most likely slipped into the distribution system during a break or leak and was never killed because residual chlorination levels were too low in his area. With fewer and fewer people living at the end of Island Road due to coastal erosion, water in the distribution system sits longer, leaving stagnant pockets where chlorine levels can dissipate.

Still, residents of Terrebonne Parish were understandably frightened, so to educate the public, here are some facts about brain-eating amoebas:

1.) If you eat or drink them, you’ll be fine. They don’t offer much flavor or nutritional value, but neither does Chilis, and DHH isn’t shutting them down.

2.) As long as you aren’t going around snorting water at the end of a dead end street in an isolated community, you’ve got a shot at making it out this crisis alive.

3.) If you live on a block with enough people to fill half of La Petit Theatre, you’re going to be OK. Something else will probably kill you, maybe the acting at La Petit Theatre. Kidding.

4.) When it comes to being killed by an amoeba, you have a better chance at winning the lottery, which someone actually did in Point Aux Chenes this year. Ok, bad example. Just know the water district is on top of this and will be flushing and chlorinating like crazy.

5.) Do not live in fear of this boogyman zombie water monster. We live below sea level on a neglected, subsiding flotilla of dying vegetation while peak hurricane season approaches. We have enough to worry about.

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5 thoughts on “Booked On The Bayou: Brain-Eating Amoeba Arrested In Terrebonne Parish.

  1. I’m pretty sure that I am smarter than the brain eating amoeba, Dave. But when you’ve had more lobotomies than you can recall how can you be sure? Know what I mean? I can’t help but wonder if maybe Dave could help my brain? I will snort water!

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  2. This is a message for you idiots like Bilbeaux Buggs. Poor Bilbeaux did as he said; the fool went down to the end of Island Road and snorted water. Well, Bilbeaux is typing this but I am in control of Bilbeaux’s brain. I am Dave. That’s right, the same Dave in the Baton Rouge lab. I have trillions of brothers and we are all alike in every way. We are all named Dave. We all think the same thoughts at the same time. We are too powerful for you humans. It is time for you to submit. We are like the Borg on Star Trek, remember them? Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated. Just ask Bilbeaux! But don’t wait too long because Bilbeaux’s brain is almost gone. Hahahahahahaha!

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  3. This is a message for you idiots like Bilbeaux Buggs. Poor Bilbeaux did as he said; the fool went down to the end of Island Road and snorted water. Well, Bilbeaux is typing this but I am in control of Bilbeaux’s brain. I am Dave. That’s right, the same Dave in the Baton Rouge lab. I have trillions of brothers and we are all alike in every way. We are all named Dave. We all think the same thoughts at the same time. We are too powerful for you humans. It is time for you to submit. We are like the Borg on Star Trek, remember them? Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated. Just ask Bilbeaux! But don’t wait too long because Bilbeaux’s brain is almost gone. Hahahahahahaha!

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  4. It’s me, Bilbeaux, not Dave. In a brief moment of lucidity I was able to inject a massive quantity of chlorine into my brain through a recent lobotomy portal. I have killed Dave! Take that, you microbe! It’s so good to be able to think clearly again! I do, however, have a rather intense burning sensation in my head.

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  5. L RON, LOVE YOUR SATIRE.YOU HAVE BECOME A CELEDRITY IN TERREBONNE PARISH.YOU ARE NOW QUALIFIED TO BE ONE ON ONED BY MARTIN FOLSE AT HTV.iT’S A HIGH BAR TO CROSS,BUT YOU DID IT.CONGRATS.

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