Grand Isle, LA — Millions of gallons of craft beer were left unattended throughout garages and microbreweries as hundreds of kayakers made their way to Grand Isle for the Ride The Bull Kayak Fishing Tournament.

It’s no secret that kayak fishing and brewing your own beer go hand in hand. These do-it-yourselfers enjoy the challenges of heading into the gulf in small, customized self-propelled vessels in search of the sea’s bountiful harvest. Landing a twenty-pound redfish in a 10-foot kayak is basically just another way to get drunk off your own ingenuity and hard work, which is also the primary reason anyone makes their own beer.

This diagram illustrates the vast overlap between these two groups. Source: Scientific Journal of Paddle For Pints.

The marriage between kayaking and craft beer makes perfect sense; however, it leaves the United States in an extremely vulnerable position during major kayaking tournaments. With most small breweries left unmanned, any attack or theft of the nation’s craft beer reserves could relegate the general public to drinking watered-down domestic dishwater beers. A horrific event this catastrophic could send the United States spiraling into a state of anarchy and chaos. Because of this, the Department of Homeland Security is currently reviewing policy that would station armed guards around various garages and craft breweries during major fishing tournaments to protect our nation’s interests.

Pictured Above: A lonely craft brewery, abandoned for the weekend, leaving our country in peril.