A gigantic glowing sphere of exploding hydrogen, commonly referred to as “the sun,” has issued and executed a boil advisory for South Louisiana. As temperatures rise, our soggy, humid habitat cruelly cooks into the atmosphere, leaving only the spicy remnants of our personalities behind to fill the cracks in our parched souls.
It is only in the face of two hundred dollar electric bills do we realize how vulnerable we truly are. As we hibernate beneath the merciful gods of conditioned air, be it central or window, we collectively pine for the days when we didn’t have to upgrade our life insurance policies before going outside to cut the grass.
However, the oppressive ultraviolet rays haven’t been all bad. There have been bright spots (no pun intended). As our sanity slowly melts away, we try to list the positive aspects in which our community has been affected.
TOP 5 THINGS ABOUT THE HEAT WAVE
5.) The sun has likely boiled all the brain eating amoebas out of our contaminated water systems.
- Note: You probably still should filter any water you get from Assumption Parish.
4.) Snowball sales have skyrocketed, propelling small business owners into flavored ice barons overnight.
- Ms. Mae Mae, who makes the best snowballs in the Western Hemisphere, can be seen taking her new Lamborghini out for a spin around the track.
3.) The Bayou Gardens Reservoir has completely evaporated under the intense sun, enabling cars to be able to drive through it.
- Cars freely drive over this once submerged reservoir.
2.) It’s a scientific fact (to anyone who watches 80’s action movies) that intergalactic blood-thirsty space predators come to earth during extreme heat waves to methodically hunt down our best hunters. This should make for an interesting season of Swamp People.
- “You fellas hear something behind me?”
1.) Bob Breck, your weather authoritarian, has declared South Louisiana inhospitable until November. Reports say he grabbed his trusty bug-out bag, hopped on his bike, and pointed it north in search of cooler temperatures. Luckily, bayou residents can now be spared his panicked, apocalyptic predictions during hurricane season.
“Follow me north if you want to survive!”