Sun Carries Out Boil Advisory For South Louisiana

A gigantic glowing sphere of exploding hydrogen, commonly referred to as “the sun,” has issued and executed a boil advisory for South Louisiana. As temperatures rise, our soggy, humid habitat cruelly cooks into the atmosphere, leaving only the spicy remnants of our personalities behind to fill the cracks in our parched souls.

It is only in the face of two hundred dollar electric bills do we realize how vulnerable we truly are. As we hibernate beneath the merciful gods of conditioned air, be it central or window, we collectively pine for the days when we didn’t have to upgrade our life insurance policies before going outside to cut the grass.

However, the oppressive ultraviolet rays haven’t been all bad. There have been bright spots (no pun intended). As our sanity slowly melts away, we try to list the positive aspects in which our community has been affected.

TOP 5 THINGS ABOUT THE HEAT WAVE

5.)  The sun has likely boiled all the brain eating amoebas out of our contaminated water systems.

assumpt parish water
Note: You probably still should filter any water you get from Assumption Parish.

4.)  Snowball sales have skyrocketed, propelling small business owners into flavored ice barons overnight.

ms mae mae lambo small
Ms. Mae Mae, who makes the best snowballs in the Western Hemisphere, can be seen taking her new Lamborghini out for a spin around the track.

3.) The Bayou Gardens Reservoir has completely evaporated under the intense sun, enabling cars to be able to drive through it.

bayou gardens dry
Cars freely drive over this once submerged reservoir.

2.) It’s a scientific fact (to anyone who watches 80’s action movies) that intergalactic blood-thirsty space predators come to earth during extreme heat waves to methodically hunt down our best hunters. This should make for an interesting season of Swamp People.

predator swamp people willie
“You fellas hear something behind me?”

1.) Bob Breck, your weather authoritarian, has declared South Louisiana inhospitable until November.  Reports say he grabbed his trusty bug-out bag, hopped on his bike, and pointed it north in search of cooler temperatures. Luckily, bayou residents can now be spared his panicked, apocalyptic predictions  during hurricane season.

bob breck heads west

“Follow me north if you want to survive!”

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4 thoughts on “Sun Carries Out Boil Advisory For South Louisiana

  1. Multiple lobotomies have made the combination of oppressive temperatures and extreme humidity extremely tolerable for me. I can stand outside for hours without any adverse affects. I can even stare at the glowing sphere of exploding hydrogen for hours and it doesn’t bother me. If I get hungry, I can peel off part of my face and eat it. The lobotomy is man’s friend. Do not fear the lobotomy, embrace it! Have a nice day! 🙂

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  2. As I whine about our current California heat wave, articles like this remind me….at least we don’t have humidity. Our air may be BROWN as 100,000 acres burn to cinders, but we don’t have humidity.

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