Patrons of Walmart can now be hoisted around the isles of their local superstore by the same people who built the cheap, plastic goods they are buying.
Machines like mobility scooters use energy, require maintenance, and must be accounted for regularly. Because of the high costs incurred by these machines, Walmart officials have decided to look for alternatives.
Sedan chairs and Chinese laborers will now be used in place of the expensive scooters that robbed this multinational corporation of precious profits. Importing immigrants to transport shoppers fits perfectly with Walmart’s business model: exploiting cheap Chinese labor while catering to the decadent sloth of the average American.
Shoppers will feel like ancient emperors as they are toted through the frozen food section while hunting for microwavable fish sticks. The profits garnered by this change in policy will be used to purchase more self-checkout machines, which will fade out costly human cashiers that require up to nine dollars an hour.