New Orleans, LA – Gutter punks have currently seized control of parts of the city after looting a Sea-Doo dealership. Yesterday, this unwashed group of unemployable drifters were aggressively panhandling and drinking hot beer by the railroad tracks. Today, they’re a marauding band of aquatic sociopaths hell bent on terror and destruction.

Police Chief, Michael Harrison issued this statement:

The gutter punks took advantage of all the lawlessness that a typical New Orleans flood provides; however, our officers are currently engaged in a fight to take back this city. We ask that you keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we battle these rampaging lowlifes in this soggy, sub-sea level hellscape.

The Push Pole has received reports that police have issued no-go zones where gutter punk law has been established. Anyone caught wearing deodorant between Decatur St. and the Mississippi River will be eaten by rabid dogs. The gutter punks are currently ruled by a man simply known as “King Blade” who acts as judge, jury, and executioner. Authorities believe that if King Blade can be killed, the gutter punks will become disorganized and break off into warring factions that can be more easily conquered.