Olympia, Washington – Frontier Flight 873 crashed into a mountain killing 239 people this morning. After Captain Sean Salisbury suffered a massive heart attack, Jesus of Nazareth took over the controls. Capt. Salisbury was a devout Christian and always proclaimed, “Jesus is my co-pilot” which contractually obligated our Lord and Savior to fly the Boeing 767 in the event Capt. Salisbury was incapacitated.

“I’m just saying, if a plane had to crash, I’m glad it was Frontier. Those cheapskates even charge you for your carry-on bag.”

Jesus, having less than 100 hours in the Boeing simulator, didn’t have the expertise needed to land the commercial airliner safely. Thousands of bereaved mourners asked our heavenly father how this could have happened. He issued this statement:

The only thing I’ve ever driven in my life was a donkey. I never even learned how to ride a bike, but every day you people expect me to drive buses, motorcycles, and airplanes when you get in trouble. I’ve been trying to learn, but it’s not easy. No matter how many times I have the principles of lift and propulsion hammered into me (no pun intended) I’m just not getting it. You want water into wine? I’m your guy. Your leprosy acting up? I got that. Flying jets isn’t in my wheelhouse. I’m really sorry I crashed the plane and killed all those people. I did the best I could. All I can hope is that my teachings made their lives more peaceful and satisfying while they were alive.