In a touching display of solidarity with French history over the last century, Louisiana’s coastline has been retreating at the rate of one football field every hour. That’s almost faster than the Nazis could advance in WWII.

“It’s really touching” said congressman Garrett Graves, who was elected after having his campaign coffers stuffed with oil and gas money. “We all knew the coast was retreating. Some said it was because of pipelines and canals. Others said it was a lack of fresh water replenishing our marshes. A few even remarked that it was due to rising sea levels and intensified storms, but now we know that our land loss is attributed to something beautiful – our French culture.”